AVOID THE TYPICAL PITFALLS OF MARRIAGE

Written by Ann Douglas

No couple embarks on married life expecting to end up in divorce court, but that’s what happens to more than one million American couples each year. And when they do the postmortem, they often find their marriage was sabotaged by one of these 10 traps:

1. Taking your partner for granted. That’s like having a garden that you’re not weeding or fertilizing, says Robert Billingham, professor of human development and family studies at Indiana University. “You can’t expect it to continue to thrive.” Let your partner know you appreciate him or her.

2. Forgetting that a good marriage takes work. “People think that having a happy marriage is a magical, mystical occurrence,” says marriage and family therapist Dr. Leslie Parrott, co-author of When Bad Things Happen to Good Marriages (Zondervan/HarperCollins). “We’ve accepted the fact that parenting takes a lot of skill, but we don’t want to accept the idea that romantic love takes a great deal of work, too.”

3. Not talking through conflict. If you rely on heavy sighs, slammed doors and other non-verbal communication when something is bothering you, you could be playing with fire. As painful as it may be to get the conversation started, you must speak up. “Otherwise, problems start festering and begin to take on a life of their own,” explains Sharon Naylor, author of The Unofficial Guide to Divorce (Hungry Minds).

4. Failing to romance your partner. “We all want to be made to feel special,” says psychologist Kate Wachs, author of Relationships for Dummies (Hungry Minds) and Dr. Kate’s Love Secrets (Paper Chase Press). “That’s why it’s so important to set aside at least one night per week for you and your spouse. Use this regular ‘date night’ to share your hopes and dreams.”

5. Fighting dirty. The better you know somebody, the easier it is to hurt that person. “No matter how angry you may be about something,” Naylor says, “you need to resist the temptation to figure out the one thing that will hurt your partner the most and then use that against him.”

6. Fighting over money. A recent study by the Million Dollar Round Table, an international association of life insurance and financial services professionals, found that 43% of married couples argue about money. If money’s becoming a major source of conflict, you might consider sitting down with a financial planner or some other 3rd party that can help come up with a financial game plan you both can live with.

7. Letting the passion fizzle. “Have sex often — anytime either of you is in the mood,” Wachs says. “If you wait until both partners are in the mood, you won’t end up having much sex at all and, over time, you’ll end up drifting apart.”

8. Shutting down sexually when you’re angry rather than dealing with issues. Although withholding affection may seem like the ideal way to punish your partner, you risk seriously damaging your relationship, Wachs says.

9. Failing to understand that marriages have ups and downs. “It’s OK to expect incredible moments in your marriage,” Parrott says. “Just don’t expect them to happen every day.”

10. Throwing in the towel too easily. “We’re so accustomed to the concept of obsolescence that we treat our partners as disposable,” says Herb Glieberman, a Chicago divorce attorney and author. Vow to rekindle the flames rather than looking for the closest escape hatch.

Source (Click to follow link): Talking About Christian Walk,Relationships, Love and Romance with Sigoluhle Mandizha

CHARACTER AND PITFALLS OF LEADERSHIP BY REV. GERALD OLE-NGUYAINE

CHARACTER AND PITFALLS OF LEADERSHIP

LEADERSHIP CHARACTER

•     Definition:

Character is a leader’s inner sense of moral strength that determines how he or she acts when no one else is looking.

•     It’s foundational to leadership success.

•      Character and trust are tied together.

•     The leader’s character inspires the confidence and trust of others.

•     Leadership effectiveness depends greatly on trust, which must be earned by a demonstration of good leadership character.

•     A leader is one who leads the way, and people choose to follow leaders they trust.

•     Closely related to character is integrity.

•     The Bible uses the term “blameless” to describe integrity (Gen 17:1; 2 Pet 3:14).

•     Integrity means consistency between what we believe, what we say and what we do.

•     The ultimate test of leaders’ credibility is whether they do what they say. 

•     Leadership involves making unpopular decisions and taking difficult actions.

•     It takes integrity to do the right thing when it may be unpopular.

•     Essentially, a call to spiritual leadership is a call to character formation.

•     In Galatians 4:19, Paul desires a change in the Galatians’ character to become conformed to the character of Christ in reality, not in mere appearance.

PITFALLS OF LEADERSHIP

Definition:

-       A pitfall is a trap or a snare that you can fall into before you even know what has happened.

•     Often leaders shipwreck their careers, their organizations, and their families by making careless, foolish choices, which tarnish, discredit, and humiliate them.

•     Some leaders go from victory to victory.

•     Others begin with great promise, but eventually fall and become forgotten.

•     No one sets out expecting to fail. So, what happens?

•     Leaders’ failure can usually be traced to mistakes they could easily have avoided.

•     Let’s examine some common pitfalls that cause spiritual leaders to fail.

Common Leadership Pitfalls

1.        Pride

2.        Sexual Sin

3.        Cynicism

4.        Greed

5.        Mental Laziness

6.        Oversensitivity

7.        Spiritual Laziness

8.        Domestic Neglect

9.        Administrative Carelessness

10.    Prolonged Position Holding

1.    Pride

• Pride is the leaders’ worst enemy.

• It has caused the downfall of many (Prov 16:18).

• Pride drives leaders to seek the limelight.

• Pride overinflates the ego (Dan 4:29-31).

• Spiritual leaders are God’s servants, but pride can cause them to act as if God were their servant, obligated to answer their selfish prayers and to bless their grandiose schemes.

• God hates and opposes pride

-          (Prov 6:16-17; James 4:6; Lk 18:14).                           

• Pride is a sin that festers in people, making them unreceptive to God’s guidance and the wise counsel and support of other people (1 Sam 13:13-14; Jn 15:5)

2. Sexual Sin

• Has the power to destroy a career, a family, and a reputation, all in one blow.

• Safeguards against sexual temptation and its destructive devastation:

–    Enlist “accountability partners.”

–    Practice what you preach.

–    Consider the consequences (Prov 7:24-27; 14:12).

–    Develop healthy habits (e.g. spousal protection).

–    Pray and ask others to pray for you.

3.    Cynicism

•     Leadership is a people business.

•     People always let you down – they will criticize, question the leader’s motives, and second-guess his decisions.

•     Thus, making the leader cynical – distrustful, skeptical, and suspicious of them.

•     When leaders focus on the negative, seeing only problems and weakness, they lose the optimism required to overcome difficult challenges.

•     A leader must have a positive attitude.

•     A cynical spirit reflects a lack of belief in God.

•     A critical spirit in spiritual leaders reveals that their hearts have shifted from God.

4.    Greed

•     Money and possessions can be either good or bad in a leader’s life.

•     The hunger for material things can destroy spiritual leaders; it can tempt them to act unethically.

•     Money is not the most important thing in life; Obeying God’s will is.

•     Wise leaders…

a.    Do not allow themselves to be enslaved to money; they use their money to glorify God.

b.    Know that the measure of their success is not the size of their bank account but the quality of their lives.

c.    Invest their lives in things that bring the most lasting and gratifying rewards.

5.    Mental Laziness

•     Problem solving is an essential function of leadership.

•     Creativity and innovative thinking is necessary in leadership.

•     Leaders cannot afford to become intellectually stagnant.

•     Good leaders never stop learning.

•     Methods that worked a decade ago may be ineffective today.

•     Leaders who aren’t continually growing will eventually find themselves with skills that are obsolete.

•     Wise leaders seek the company of wise people.

•     They read books and articles that stretch their thinking.

•     They read the biographies of great leaders and thinkers.

•     Spiritual leaders tap into the eternal wisdom found in Scripture.

•     They allow the Holy Spirit to guide and align their thinking with God’s will, not society’s latest fad.

•     Leaders don't jump to conclusions. They process the facts and seek to determine the truth of their situation.

•     Spiritual leaders spend purposeful time with God, allowing him to guide their minds to the truth regarding the condition of their organization.

•     Great leaders are thinkers. They are transformed by the renewing of their minds (Rom 12:2). They never stop learning or evaluating, so they never stop growing.

6. Oversensitivity

•     If you cannot handle criticism, you shouldn’t be a leader.

•     Criticism, second-guessing, and motive-questioning are unpleasant.

•     But they are inevitable aspects of leadership.

•     A leader takes a decisive action and is criticized for being too reactionary.

•     A leader cautiously refrains from taking action and is chastised for indecisiveness.

•      One way or the other a leader will be criticized!

•     How leaders should respond to criticism…

•     Honestly examine their hearts to be sure the criticism is without merit

•     Leaders must face criticism with integrity before God and before people

•     Ultimately it is God’s approval and not people’s that matters most

•     When leaders know they have obeyed God, they set aside the desire to defend themselves

•     They find their security in God’s affirmation

•     God’s promise: Isa 54:17

•     The wisdom of a right decision will prove itself over time. Wise leaders let God prove the purity of their motives and the wisdom of their actions.

•     True leaders are more interested in doing the right thing than they are in their popularity.

•     Sometimes, the right thing to do is not the most popular.

•     Spiritual leaders must keep criticism in perspective.

•     Criticism will come, and it will hurt, but it must not be allowed to derail leaders from God’s call upon their lives.

•     Before giving in to the temptation to quit, leaders should revisit what they know God asked them to do.

•     Remember John 15:20!

7.    Spiritual Laziness

•     Leaders are driven people; they see to it that things get done.

•     Spiritual leaders often get busy with ministry while spending less time with God.

•     “doing” vs. “being”

•     Life apart from Christ is meaningless. Wise leaders never forget that (Matt. 6:33).

8. Domestic Neglect

•     Get your priorities right:

–    God first, then family, then ministry.

•     Every leader must balance the responsibilities of their leadership role with their commitment to their families – leader at work; leader at home!

•     Nelson Mandela…

–    Fight to liberate his people; goal achieved.

–    The Nobel Peace Prize; president of South Africa.

–    Suffered two divorces.

•     Mandela confessed that although he loved his wives, his work always came first and his marriages suffered as a result.

9. Administrative Carelessness

•     Leaders are, by nature, visionaries.

•     Focusing too much attention on the vision – where the organization is going.

•     Neglecting to build the organization to arrive at the destination – to achieve the vision.

•     Like a traveler who looks at the road map and knows exactly where he is going.

•     But forgets to monitor and maintain the fuel and oil levels of his vehicle.

•     Leadership demands both focus and balance. Are you task-focused or people-focused?

•     Accomplish the task, but don't ignore or trample people along the way.

•     Wise leaders build up the people who will achieve the organization’s vision.

•     Clear, timely communication is absolutely essential to a successful organization.

10.    Prolonged Position Holding

•     It is better to leave them longing than loathing,” so goes the old maxim

•     Wise leaders know when the time has come to exit graciously and allow a new leader to step in

–    Julius K. Nyerere, Nelson Mandela exited well – earned respect of many

–    Robert Mugabe has overstayed his presidential welcome – not wise!

•     As a leader once you are no longer as effective as you used to be, it is time to come up with an exit strategy

•      Older leaders tend to have difficulty giving their blessing to the emerging generation of leaders

•     Leaders with integrity recognize when they have made their most worthwhile contributions.

•     Then they graciously hand over the reigns of leadership to the next generation.

•     King Hezekiah is the classic biblical example of a leader who overstayed his mandate.

•     He had been a good and righteous ruler of the nation of Judah (2 Kings 18:5).

•     After ruling for fourteen years, Hezekiah contracted a terminal illness.

•     The prophet Isaiah told the king to get his house in order for it was God’s will that he should soon die.

•      King Hezekiah wept bitterly and prayed for his life to be spared.

•     God granted his request and promised him fifteen additional years of life.

•     During his extended rule, Hezekiah made two major blunders:

–    First, he showed all the treasures of his kingdom to envoys from Babylon who visited him.

–    Such foolish indiscretion would later cost his successors – the Babylonian armies came to forcibly relieve Judah of the same treasures.

–     Secondly, Hezekiah had a son – Manasseh, but failed to raise him to the fear of God.

•     During his extended rule, Hezekiah made two major blunders:

–    Upon Hezekiah’s death, Manasseh became king.

–    Manasseh commenced the longest, most wicked reign in Judah’s history.

–    By the time Manasseh’s reign ended, Judah's immorality and idolatry were so perverse and had reached such intolerable levels that God’s judgment on the nation was irrevocable.

–    By prolonging his leadership beyond what God had planned for him, Hezekiah planted the seeds for his nation’s moral demise.

Conclusion

•     Developing a healthy awareness of the pitfalls that can bring failure and disgrace to leaders is the first step to avoiding them

•     The second step is putting safeguards in place that will provide protection in times of temptation or indecision

•     Third, leaders should have before them the continual reminder that:

•     Their organization is more about people than it is about productivity.

•     They are not indispensable.

•     The most effective, efficient thing they can do for their organization is to maintain a close, vibrant relationship with God.

Here are some questions to consider:

•     Do I pray regularly with at least one other leader?

•     Are there other leaders with whom I am free to be candid about my personal struggles?

•     Who holds me accountable to follow through on what I know to be God’s will?

•     What safeguards have I built around my relationship with my spouse? Are they adequate to protect me from temptation?

•     How am I presently studying and applying God’s Word to my life?

•     Have I built safeguards around my time with God?

•     When was the last time I clearly heard God speaking to me? How did I respond to what he said?

•     Do I have people who are willing to challenge my actions when they think they are harmful?

•     Is the fruit of the Spirit growing in me? (Gal 5:22-23). Am I becoming more and more like Christ?

Reference

Henry Blackaby and Richard Blackaby, Spiritual Leadership: Moving People on to God’s Agenda, (Nashville, TN: Broadman & Holman, 2001).

Thank You.

Rev. Gerald Ole Nguyaine.